Hi there, I’m Oli and welcome to my blog.
Before I explain my reasons for starting this blog, let me
tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Taiwan and raised
predominately in Australia (there was a period of six years when we lived in
Malaysia for my dad’s work), and I currently reside in Canada. I trained as a
medical doctor in university and worked as a resident for a short time before
pursuing a career in music. I was able to publish two albums and two singles as
a singer-songwriter in Asia, and my career expanded into other realms, allowing
me to take on the roles of producer, author, motivational speaker, director,
and actor. (You can find some of my work by going to my YouTube site.)
Due to the nature of my music career, I had to maintain an
“acceptable” body image for publicity and live performances. I was told that I
looked most beautiful at a time when I was very scrawny and thin from lack of
food (intentional) and lack of exercise (unintentional); however, I had
absolutely no energy at all and would fall asleep several times during the day.
Once I started adopting a healthier lifestyle, my energy returned—but so did
the weight. I was no longer super thin. Maybe I should have been happy that I
was making the right decision by eating and exercising, but part of me mourned
the fact that I was no longer as “beautiful” as before.
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| Me during my "thin" days |
I’ve since then come to realize how wrong I was and how
conditioned women are into viewing ourselves a certain way.
“Moi, Je m’aime” means “as for me, I love myself” because
this blog is a documentation of my journey into self-love. It’s not just about dress size. It’s not just
about forcing oneself to exercise. It’s not just about meditation. Self-love to
me means understanding, accepting, and fulfilling the potentials of one’s body
and soul. This is something that most of us can comprehend with our brains but
actually very few can practice in real life, me included—until something big
and horrible happens to make one stop and reevaluate one’s life—which was
exactly what happened to me.
On Boxing Day 2015 I fainted in the kitchen, hitting the
back of my head on hard tiled floor, sustaining a concussion and intracranial
bleeding. My poor husband rushed me to the nearest ER, and after hours of
waiting and a near-misdiagnosis I was rushed by ambulance to the neurosurgery
department of a tertiary hospital. We see athletes sustaining contact sports
injuries on TV all the time, but nothing prepared me for what head trauma felt
like: constant nausea and vomiting, thunderclap headaches, and dizziness so bad
that the whole world seemed to spin out of control. Only in sleep can I find
some moments of peace. Sometimes I really wanted to just die.
I decided that if I could get through this I’d better be
good to my body from now on.
Recovery was a long, slow process. Of course it would have
been, because even though I had a bunch of medical knowledge I never lived
accordingly. In fact, I would use my knowledge to “cheat” my body to get the most
out of it, and as a result I had let my anemia, blood pressure issues, and stress
levels run rampage for far too long.
After being in the hospital for about two weeks, I was allowed to go
home; but long after I left the hospital I was still battling the headaches and
dizziness. I was also left with no sense of smell, my olfactory nerve damaged
during the impact to my head. Barely well enough to complete my second album
and participate in promotional activities that came with releasing a record, I
definitely was in no shape to exercise. The old self-loathing voice came out
again, “This is probably the fattest and ugliest you’ve ever been—and you’ll
stay this way forever.”
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| Me during my "fattest" days |
But I decided not to listen to that voice.
Sometimes when I’m feeling weak and depressed, I honestly
agree with that voice. But it’s not about whether that voice is truthful or
not, or whether I should agree with it or not, or even how bad that voice makes me feel. Sometimes one just has to
decide. One has to make a decision to love oneself regardless of feeling
unlovely at the time. The bottom line is, I have only this one body and mind,
even though it’s far from perfect. If I don’t take care to love it, who will?
So I decided to love myself despite that voice. In fact, I
decided to take a break from my job altogether. I packed up and moved to
another country. Unemployed, I took time to explore new surroundings, eat all
kinds of good food, and take on DIY home improvement projects… At no point did
I pressure myself to get better or to exercise or even to write new songs.
It was only when I stopped feeling dizzy during normal
day-to-day activities (about 6~7 months after my concussion) that I felt ready
to exercise. I started out by following some do-it-at-home exercise programs
that I found on the Internet—I found out right away that I would be extremely
dizzy every time I tilted my head in a certain way or moved in a particular
manner. Whenever that happened I’d try to back out of those positions slowly,
sometimes stopping the exercise session altogether. Other times I gently pushed
myself to do the exercise a bit longer. Gradually I was able to move onto more
intense exercise programs (about 2 months in), and eventually I was able to
start doing yoga again. Finally about a year after the concussion I was free
from dizziness even during exercise.
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| Me 2 weeks ago, currently at my heaviest |
I didn’t always feel lovely or energetic or strong or even
happy through out the process of my recovery. But I always chose to look on the
positive side. Like I said before, it was never about my size or how I look. It's about how healthy I actually am and how at peace I am with myself. In the process of recovery perhaps I stumbled upon an even
longer and harder road: loving myself unconditionally. This blog serves as a
documentation of my struggles and triumphs, as well as a way for me to stay
committed and accountable. Maybe I can also share some knowledge and insight to
someone who is seeking wellbeing? I get you. Maybe my story can comfort someone
else who is also recovering from physical illness/condition? I totally feel
you. And maybe my journey can encourage someone who is also on the path of
self-improvement or self-love—I’m with you!
