Doubt Vs. Faith

I haven’t been making many posts lately because I want to only post positive things—but lately I haven’t been feeling very positive. My ongoing soft tissue injuries are still causing me pain every single day; as a result, I haven’t been able to exercise at all for what seems like a lifetime (but in reality has been only two months). This has seriously impacted me socially (as a new immigrant I haven’t made many friends yet, and most people I have met, I’ve done so at the gym) and psychologically (I feel fat and useless).

I know that I can’t just wallow in my negative feelings forever. I know that I should still love myself, that I should give myself a break. I know I should take comfort in the fact that I’m doing everything I can do to get over this slump: I’m going to all the physiotherapy/massage therapy sessions, I’m taking the medication prescribed by the doctor, and I’m even trying turmeric supplements and Chinese traditional cupping. However, sometimes your head knows something, but it takes time for your heart to catch up.

Truth be told, a part of me is wondering if I can be completely healed. My doctor has said that perhaps I should not expect recovery to be 100%; I should count myself lucky if I get to perform daily functions without pain. But I feel that I’m still young! Young-ish anyway. I train in kickboxing and BJJ. I scuba dive. I still have a whole life ahead of me, yet I’m told I may not fully recover. I may not be able to do what I love anymore. My heart is so heavy, and I don’t know what to do with this information, to believe it or to deny it.

When will the pain in my body ever end?

Me on my last diving trip to Palau. I'll be devastated if I can't ever do this again.

I saw the following quote today, and it really spoke to me:

“Sometimes you simply have to stop fretting, wondering, and doubting.  Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.”

Yes, I know that doubting and fretting won’t help me get anywhere. I know that I have to trust that things will work out—even if it’s not what I had planned—but that it will be how it’s meant to be; and if it’s meant to be, it must be what works out best for me in the end. If it’s the best for me in the end, I will be able to have peace. Knowing that helps me a tiny bit. Trusting in something that has not yet happened—that’s faith right?

So this is my game plan: distraction. Every time I feel the doubt creep in, I’m going to distract myself with something else so my head won’t be bombarded with negativity. Every time I feel the fear that I may not heal, I’m going to distract myself. Every time I feel my condition is stalling and not progressing, I will distract myself. I really hope with all the distraction, my heart will catch up with my head and I can firmly believe in my recovery.

No Halvesies

I have a friend who has been a serial monogamist since middle school. After many girlfriends and flings, he is still single and awaiting happiness. Every time he begins a new relationship, he would declare that he has found “the one” and that everything in his life would fall into place; and every time the relationship breaks down, he wonders why “the one” couldn’t love him for who he is.

The thing is, even if he really found “the one” I doubt he could be truly happy.

Happiness is hard to define, but by the process of elimination, I can tell you that happiness can’t be bought by money. It can’t be ensured by a good education or a prestigious job. So by that token, why should it be guaranteed by a relationship? Why should one person’s happiness be the responsibility of another? Why should one person’s life be the responsibility of another? Just imagine how much pressure “the one” must feel—and then it’s no wonder that no one wants to be “the one”.

I think it’s actually the opposite way around: to have a happy relationship and a happy life, you have to be happy with yourself first. There’s no point waiting for someone else to come fill the void in your heart—fill it yourself with something that is meaningful to you personally! There is no point waiting for a “better half” to come to your rescue because we are perfectly capable of being whole. Only when we are whole can we truly be content, and happiness ceases to be just a mood but a state of being.

How to become whole? Well, it starts practically in a small way: it’s how you think and the message that you tell yourself everyday. Embrace all the good things big and small that come into your life. Things don’t go your way? Don’t wallow in sorrow but put things into an objective perspective, and move on. Don’t take happiness for granted; like everything else worth having, it takes practice. It also takes honesty too. If my friend really wanted to find “the one”, he should be totally honest with himself and reflect on the core issues within his relationships; he should then take actions to amend those issues so they don’t repeat themselves in future relationships. Blindly searching for “the one” won’t work in the long term, but becoming someone whom “the one” will be attracted to just may.