Doubt Vs. Faith

I haven’t been making many posts lately because I want to only post positive things—but lately I haven’t been feeling very positive. My ongoing soft tissue injuries are still causing me pain every single day; as a result, I haven’t been able to exercise at all for what seems like a lifetime (but in reality has been only two months). This has seriously impacted me socially (as a new immigrant I haven’t made many friends yet, and most people I have met, I’ve done so at the gym) and psychologically (I feel fat and useless).

I know that I can’t just wallow in my negative feelings forever. I know that I should still love myself, that I should give myself a break. I know I should take comfort in the fact that I’m doing everything I can do to get over this slump: I’m going to all the physiotherapy/massage therapy sessions, I’m taking the medication prescribed by the doctor, and I’m even trying turmeric supplements and Chinese traditional cupping. However, sometimes your head knows something, but it takes time for your heart to catch up.

Truth be told, a part of me is wondering if I can be completely healed. My doctor has said that perhaps I should not expect recovery to be 100%; I should count myself lucky if I get to perform daily functions without pain. But I feel that I’m still young! Young-ish anyway. I train in kickboxing and BJJ. I scuba dive. I still have a whole life ahead of me, yet I’m told I may not fully recover. I may not be able to do what I love anymore. My heart is so heavy, and I don’t know what to do with this information, to believe it or to deny it.

When will the pain in my body ever end?

Me on my last diving trip to Palau. I'll be devastated if I can't ever do this again.

I saw the following quote today, and it really spoke to me:

“Sometimes you simply have to stop fretting, wondering, and doubting.  Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.”

Yes, I know that doubting and fretting won’t help me get anywhere. I know that I have to trust that things will work out—even if it’s not what I had planned—but that it will be how it’s meant to be; and if it’s meant to be, it must be what works out best for me in the end. If it’s the best for me in the end, I will be able to have peace. Knowing that helps me a tiny bit. Trusting in something that has not yet happened—that’s faith right?

So this is my game plan: distraction. Every time I feel the doubt creep in, I’m going to distract myself with something else so my head won’t be bombarded with negativity. Every time I feel the fear that I may not heal, I’m going to distract myself. Every time I feel my condition is stalling and not progressing, I will distract myself. I really hope with all the distraction, my heart will catch up with my head and I can firmly believe in my recovery.